yes its true...i have flight this 22nd if december. shopping spree is almost done. i got a few items on the list now. my bag is almost full and another box. yes, presents for my love ones. my family and friends are so excited. i am too...but my heart is still heavy. i dont have the answers yet between us. and now i am left hanging till he gets back from vacation. sad to say i havent heard from him since he took off. only God knows what valid reason he has. there's still love in my heart but sometimes there is hatred. well i guess i love him so much. i asked myself what would be my present this season...deep in my heart i hope we can work it out if he still wants to. but if it is really the end of our chapter...well i guess there's a better find somewhere else and probably a new horizon shall be opened....

"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child." ~ Erma Bombeck"

merry christmas to all!

Looking back from the previous post…I was counting every monthsary…then diligently waiting for the 6th month…as the ground breaking point for me…only to find greeting the day…that would eventually be lost.

Yes, we are cooling off but I think splitting up could be a better definition to manage my emotional condition at this point.

I tried to work on this long distance setup and I have seen his efforts from the beginning. But then after a few months some things I feel is not right and I just thought it is the adjustment period and we are at the stage of getting to know one another. One ordinary day things just get upside down. One issue I can point out is that he has not come to terms with his past. It's not fair for me to go on when one party cannot trust. I hope this is the truth and not a cover issue.

It takes two tango as what they say and its true. I have my set of imperfections too but both of us must work it out. As he said he needs time to let go of the past and reorganize himself. I replied, I hope it wont be too late for us otherwise we will part ways in good faith…

This happened a few days ago. The wounds are still fresh. Recovery is very painful but I am moving on. On one minute im ok but the next I feel sharp knives slicing on me. We have wonderful memories together. His trip to Doha and my two trips in Dubai; our everyday phone calls up to 5 times a day, and our chats. I never regret anything from this relationship. I have enjoyed it to the fullest in the sense that it will be taken away anytime.

From the beginning I seek for divine guidance to show us the way. Maybe this is the way. He has a greater plan. I am reorganizing myself…moving life without his presence. Uncertainties are arising…but there's nothing I can do but live with it. For us…it may not be totally over but I guess its better to prepare for the worse…that what we have shall turn into DUST blown by the wind. And will be memories to look back…

Last Sept 27 I had my second trip to dubai. At last after all the obstructions, in 2 days my travel was arranged. The arrival was full of anticipation and I have found my way at the airport on how to get out quickly. So the three days were filled with bonding moments and I got to see dubai more with helene. This time we explored more places. Other than that we have done more things together. I finally cooked him one of my favorite dish, fish in taosi sauce. And according to him it is really good…after checking 3 shops to look for a taosi sauce.

Unfortunately, on the third day, he needs to work. I stayed at the house for the entire day and wished I could have returned the night before. All feelings subsided…I cried because our situation is not easy…the gravity of this set up has awaken me and alarmed me on how sufficient my strength is… when I left, we were both sad. Its more painful from the first time. While I was on queue at the check in counter, my tears clouded my eyes and I fought hard not to let them fall. He looked at me from afar and left when it was my turn.

There was so much pain since then…I feel a sharp pain in my heart each time I think of him. Much more when I received his mail, he cried when he went home that night. Even at work…I find myself fighting not to shed more tears. Each night I drain all these tears by allowing the pain to penetrate further. Yet everyday this is happening.

I need space…I told him 2 days ago because I am in so much difficulty. I have to learn not to be very needy on his attention. I requested that he calls me 3 or 4 times a week. Aside from this, one thing got me annoyed because I could not see him before I go vacation for home. When in fact, I was having a countdown to see him again. He broke my anticipation that gives me so much hope each day. He reversed the setup he will come here instead…and I don’t know when…because he is freaking busy with his work.

After 5 months of this relationship these issues have risen. Now, I’m trying to be stiff on my feelings even though at any time of the day I can feel the stabbing and bleeding. No matter how I want to hear him…im holding myself not to ring him. I think this is the best for me. I have to be prepared when the day comes that we have to part our ways. I hope this action shall not put our relationship at threat. I love him, that is for sure…that is why it hurts so much.

Thanks helene for being my shock absorber…you always appear right after we argue or if I feel so bad after a conversation.

To my honey..u know that I love u much…but things were not easy lately…we have choices…we can keep on fighting till the end or fight until at some point. Please remember life has been better since we found each other but neither it is easy…

finally! i got the visa already after all the waiting and rejections. this is the never say die principle. i told him to postpone the processing till the following months. good thing his stubborness gave some positive results. plane ticket has been arranged, flight confirmed, exit permit and passport on hand. just a few things to add to zip my bag.

i pray for safe travel and i shall land about 10:50P, dxb time 27th Sep 2007!

"THE BRACELET", this is one chain friendship email which I sent to all my friends. And out of the blue, I got an email message from paula. Such a long time since I heard from her and I got updates from people who have been hibernating for quite awhile.

Shing – getting ready to fly for Abu dhabi. As she told me she got a job in Kempinski Emirates Palace Hotel. She is now waiting for her visa. Schedule to depart by October. Sizzling chika according to paula, bf is affected, so opting to be with her rather than in Canada wherein application status is quite positive.

Helen – all around worker. Banker at daytime and prof at night. Walang pahinga. Canada processing is still on the go. Pondering whether to get married with B2 before she flies or after anniversary in Canada. Hmmm… getting ready to settle down ha?

Mayee – bank manager na, to the nth level ang busyness. Still pushing through the US application. So maybe at anytime she can set off. And speaking of wedding bells, you can hear her bells ring more than Helen's…

Paula – will be flying back and forth to Manila due to some promotion. I think manager na for finance department. As usual she chose not to give more details. But looks like she's happy with her career. Still waiting for her reply on my ultimate question on the man of her life.

Side dish: We have 3 batchmates now certified MDs: Dr. Annely. Dr. CJ and Dr. Daryl! Kudos! Jojo is now in Malaysia after Singapore. Paula's parents are now enjoying life with less responsibilities and now following a diet program.

For me: oh well still fighting for this visa problem in UAE. I got bad news, it has been refused again for the 3rd time. I am quite depressed and I feel ill since yesterday. Anyway, he tried it again for the 4th time. And we would know by today or tomorrow other wise it's another stretch to more days of agonizing wait. Things beyond our control, one great barrier for both of us. But as I said we are fighting over this indefinitely.

All of us are wrestling our lives each day that sometimes we tend to forget to connect with beloved people in our lives. But no matter in the absence of email messages, SMS messages or whatever form of communication, special friendship shall live in the hearts. So don't get offended if they fail to contact you, you have the option whether to take the first move or wait for them…

I miss u guys! I'll see u soon!

and the tough gets going?

yes it is, these past few weeks. long distance set up has taken its toll. im supposed to leave for dubai this first week of september. but coudnt due to this stupid visa. unfortunately he has having a hard time arranging it for me and sad to say my boss' contact is out of Dubai now. circumstances as we call it, but its making us crazy. it will be almost 2 months since we last see each other. now as days pass, the more i miss him and all i'm thinking of is being in his arms again...

sometimes i could not stop myself crying when we talk each night. this whole waiting thing is slowly tearing me up. and i coulld feel he is a bit pressured arranging this visa for me. work is now monotonous these days. it seems our company has been rejected to that big project im counting on...sigh...but anyhow i got some small projects at hand. its better than nothing.

oh please dont make me wait too long...all i want is to see him again and spend quality time.

As I have been counting the days of being in a relationship status, 3 days from now it's our 4th month and my 26th birthday! Whoa! These numbers are unstoppable. So here are the assessments:

I am happy with this relationship. Last month we have our second getaway. This time I went to Dubai. We shared more things and I realized that he is great friend to me. As for itinerary he fulfilled my requests: we dined to a Chinese restaurant and explored places with Helene. Time was too short again for this fleeting moments, but it was all worth it.

The return to Doha was a heart wrenching experience. I can still remember when I was heading to the check in counter and turned to see him for the last time. I just wanna break into tears and I can feel a stab of pain in my heart. While waiting in the departure area I could not help but shed tears and a little more when the plane took off, heading back. I cry each night when I sleep because I miss him too much. When he calls me I can feel from his voice too that he misses me as much as I do… well as they say falling in love entails sacrifice and it is painful too. But I could not also trade it to the happiness that it has brought me now.

As we have known each other a bit more, I have found our differences. There are some things that I cannot agree with him which scares me when someday we decide to be together. This is threading on rough waters, risking for love. Yet, we can compromise depending who gives in, understanding and respect are essential elements. But nevertheless we are still madly in love with each other. And we'll see where we are heading… don’t think much of the worries, cross the bridge when we get there.

And yes im turning 26! Ouch…hahaha…anyways there's no denying that im part of the mid 20's generation and trying to push away the idea of turning 30 a few years from now. Anyways, I think there is this huge development in my life. Obviously in a relationship status after a long wait. Career is enjoyable even though I may not get the project I'm counting on. On the positive side, the exposure and experience means a lot. In 3 months time I am coming home to see my family and friends. So I am excited these days. But unfortunately, I have a rift with one of my siblings for almost a month now. But there's nothing I can do. Sometimes our actions cannot please everybody no matter you share the same blood. All of us have responsibilities but it is not fair to let other people take it. As I always wish and pray that his mind will be enlightened that he will know what to do. It's not too late yet. The important thing is the will to make a change, which is not an easy thing.

anyways, happy 4th monthsary and happy birthday to me!

yes...in 10 days its our 3rd month...and we are clinging to each other to turn these months to a year and for more years and hopefully for decades.

the set up is quite hard... its been almost 2 months since we held each other. this is actually what long distance relationship is. it is indeed hard, but what makes it strong is the decision to hold on, explained by the word --- COMMITMENT...

we make it to the point to communicate each day...phone calls and online chats. but these things are never enough. but since it is not possible to see each other often, we have to settle what we can do rather than whining what we really desire.

each day i thank God for he came into my life and i pray that someday we are meant for each other. i also prayed that He may give me strenght to work on this relationship and most of all the ability to accept the will if it may not work for us.

now, i decide to make this work and as much as possible to give without expecting in return. i choose to love and be in love. i choose to take risk for there is nothing assured in this life. and i also expect that by loving means that i will get hurt. for i know i will shed a lot of tears but its better than avoiding these and not to feel loved at all.

and i say im happy and how i wish he is the answer of my prayer.....

yes i had the time of my life last weekend.
he and i took a leave from work for thursday.
he came wednesday night and i received him at the airport.

for 2 days we bonded, we outlined the itinerary before he came.
it was all worth it.
now everything is clear..the emotions we feel towards each other.

we had our first getaway...away from the reality of life.
time stopped for awhile, we only hear the waves and our heartbeats.

it was time to go...the borrowed moment is over.
it was sad...as goodbyes are.
anyways we made a decision to hang on.
for now we are drawn towards each other and no one else.

Let God lead the way...

at long last i can say i have recovered from him....
that same week that i felt that i have missed him....came the cure.

he was past acquaintance... a short bump in the mall
we had our hi's and hello's and that was all
he left and now in a nearby country
good thing i sent an email...and this is how it started

so sweet to bring back such feelings that i have longed for awhile
and what i know now that means so much to me is....
....WE BOTH FEEL SOMETHING....

consistency is the key
as the set up is difficult but nothing is impossible
and again...we'll see as we cross the bridge
im grabbing this opportunity..i have opened my doors again
i know i will get hurt and cry again
but this is what life is all about...im sure i will also laugh hard and be content with the happiness it brings

each day can be so happy or can be so sad....
i have to manage these things along with other life's concerns